🔗 Share this article These Phrases shared by A Father That Helped Us when I became a Brand-New Father "I think I was just just surviving for a year." Ex- Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the difficulties of becoming a dad. Yet the truth rapidly turned out to be "very different" to what he'd imagined. Severe health problems during the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to looking after their newborn son Leo. "I was doing each nighttime feed, each diaper… every walk. The job of both parents," Ryan stated. After 11 months he burnt out. It was a chat with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he couldn't do it alone. The direct words "You're not in a healthy space. You require some help. What can I do to support you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and find a way back. His experience is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While the public is now better used to talking about the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles dads encounter. 'It's not weak to seek assistance Ryan feels his struggles are part of a larger inability to communicate amongst men, who often hold onto damaging notions of what it means to be a man. Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and remains standing time and again." "It is not a display of being weak to request help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he clarifies. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to admit they're finding things difficult. They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - most notably in front of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental health is equally important to the household. Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the chance to request a pause - taking a couple of days away, away from the domestic setting, to gain perspective. He understood he needed to make a change to focus on his and his partner's feelings alongside the day-to-day duties of caring for a newborn. When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -reassuring touch and hearing her out. Self-parenting That insight has changed how Ryan sees being a dad. He's now writing Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he gets older. Ryan thinks these will enable his son better understand the expression of emotion and make sense of his parenting choices. The idea of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old. During his childhood Stephen lacked reliable male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" bond with his dad, long-standing trauma caused his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their connection. Stephen says suppressing feelings resulted in him make "bad actions" when younger to change how he felt, finding solace in drink and drugs as an escape from the anguish. "You turn to things that are harmful," he explains. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse." Strategies for Getting By as a First-Time Parent Share with someone - if you feel swamped, tell a friend, your partner or a professional what you're going through. This can to lighten the load and make you feel more supported. Remember your hobbies - keep doing the things that allowed you to feel like yourself before having a baby. Examples include playing sport, socialising or playing video games. Look after the physical health - eating well, staying active and when you can, sleep, all play a role in how your mind is faring. Connect with other new dads - listening to their stories, the messy ones, along with the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling. Understand that requesting help is not failure - looking after your own well-being is the most effective way you can care for your loved ones. When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having been out of touch with him for a long time. In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead give the stability and emotional guidance he lacked. When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - expressing the feelings in a healthy way. Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they faced their pain, changed how they talk, and learned to manage themselves for their kids. "I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," explains Stephen. "I put that down in a message to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I expressed, sometimes I think my job is to teach and advise you what to do, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am discovering as much as you are in this journey."
"I think I was just just surviving for a year." Ex- Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the difficulties of becoming a dad. Yet the truth rapidly turned out to be "very different" to what he'd imagined. Severe health problems during the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to looking after their newborn son Leo. "I was doing each nighttime feed, each diaper… every walk. The job of both parents," Ryan stated. After 11 months he burnt out. It was a chat with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he couldn't do it alone. The direct words "You're not in a healthy space. You require some help. What can I do to support you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and find a way back. His experience is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While the public is now better used to talking about the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles dads encounter. 'It's not weak to seek assistance Ryan feels his struggles are part of a larger inability to communicate amongst men, who often hold onto damaging notions of what it means to be a man. Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and remains standing time and again." "It is not a display of being weak to request help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he clarifies. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to admit they're finding things difficult. They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - most notably in front of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental health is equally important to the household. Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the chance to request a pause - taking a couple of days away, away from the domestic setting, to gain perspective. He understood he needed to make a change to focus on his and his partner's feelings alongside the day-to-day duties of caring for a newborn. When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -reassuring touch and hearing her out. Self-parenting That insight has changed how Ryan sees being a dad. He's now writing Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he gets older. Ryan thinks these will enable his son better understand the expression of emotion and make sense of his parenting choices. The idea of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old. During his childhood Stephen lacked reliable male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" bond with his dad, long-standing trauma caused his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their connection. Stephen says suppressing feelings resulted in him make "bad actions" when younger to change how he felt, finding solace in drink and drugs as an escape from the anguish. "You turn to things that are harmful," he explains. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse." Strategies for Getting By as a First-Time Parent Share with someone - if you feel swamped, tell a friend, your partner or a professional what you're going through. This can to lighten the load and make you feel more supported. Remember your hobbies - keep doing the things that allowed you to feel like yourself before having a baby. Examples include playing sport, socialising or playing video games. Look after the physical health - eating well, staying active and when you can, sleep, all play a role in how your mind is faring. Connect with other new dads - listening to their stories, the messy ones, along with the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling. Understand that requesting help is not failure - looking after your own well-being is the most effective way you can care for your loved ones. When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having been out of touch with him for a long time. In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead give the stability and emotional guidance he lacked. When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - expressing the feelings in a healthy way. Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they faced their pain, changed how they talk, and learned to manage themselves for their kids. "I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," explains Stephen. "I put that down in a message to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I expressed, sometimes I think my job is to teach and advise you what to do, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am discovering as much as you are in this journey."